Things To Do In England When You're Dead

Following the intense activity of Christmas and before the overhyped indulgence of New Years Eve come a quite period, a time for relaxing, not working and general taking it easy. Christmas and New Years are both heavily associated with wine, champagne and fine spirits, so in order to recharge the liver before December 31st I advise swapping to beer.


Beer has a bad image, people don't appreciate its class, they think its a cheap alternative and that drinking from a tin has no grace. Well I can tell you, as fact, that given a choice between cheap beer and cheap spirits (Or so called premiums like Smirnoff *spit*) cheap beer will do you less damage. As for being to aloof to drink from a tin, shit, you end up looking pretty stupid with a fat belly from drinking alcopops or throwing up after mixing wine with your Jack and Coke.


There's a lot of beer out there, the cheapest tins offer the best opportunity, but again there are so many to choose from you can make an ill informed decision and end up drinking Fosters or wearing a vest and drinking Stella. I'm a veteran of the eight tins for five pounds section of Bargain Booze, here's some advice to help you out:


Skol

Buying beer there is one important rule, AVOID AMERICAN. Skol is nice and Sweedish, and not only that, its endorsed by a Viking, and Skol is Swedish for cheers. This is one of the first beers to entre my life, excellent for camp fire drinking and the ideal place to start reintroducing yourself into the wonderful world of economy beer.


Red Stripe

Lurking in the darkest corners of Morrisons or Aldi, in the occasional restaurant and rather popular in Manchester (Night and Day being my steady supplier). Imported from Jamaica, apparently, this is a genuinely nice beer and great for drinking at more active occasions. Sadly it is harder to find, but you can have it delivered by the good people at Thedrinkshop.com.




Dutch Gold

When in Rome, do as the Romans. When in Ireland, take ever opportunity to buy Dutch Gold, then bring it back to England for sale on the black market. A bit sweet for some, Dutch Gold has two chief advantages. First, as cheap beers come, this is pretty damn cheap, normally six tins for seven Euro, meaning that this product is enjoyed by a wide strata of social groups, and its distribution in alleyways is a good way to gauge just how safe that shortcut really is . Second, mentioning it over here is a good way to find out just how much of an alcoholic your Irish friends really are.


Tuborg

Essential drinking in Sweeden, Denmark and the Roskilde Festival, also very popular in Ireland but, for reasons totally beyond me, impossible to find in England. I'm including it for reference, because its a favourite of mine, and if you know where to get it you can inform me. Again sweet, the same price as Dutch Gold, its scarcity is its downfall.




I guess this is kinda helpful, if you live in Ireland, if not, Skol is the only readily available beer here. Um, Red Stripe as I said, not everywhere (I knew one offy in Dublin that sold it). I guess, like me you just have to go out an experiment.

If you're after that last chance to see the blind Yangtze River Dolphin you're too late, after 25 million years it has been declared "functionally extinct".

This is another animal from the Dougal Adams book "Last Chance To See", and as far as I know the first one to be exinct. If ever anyone was to question to effect of massive industrial revolution on the flora and funa on local rivers this dolphin is the evidence.


So one of the five species from the book has now joined the chior invisable, which stresses both the need for greater efforts to preserve the planets most dysfunctional animals and the need to raise the profile of animals on the cusp of extinction.

If the BBC need to find a presenter for a show recreating the footsteps of Last Chance To See twenty years on they know where to find me

Christmas is coming and the Moon is fat, and somewhere in Manchester, just of Oldham Street a record store propritoeor is sacrificing a goat to some Dark God, asking for only one thing. In exchange for the spilling of blood they must use thier shadowy influence to guide the music snobs of the North West towards thier stores and over to thier experimental / Austrilian Rock / electronica etc. sections. I happen to be one of these people, and not wanting to disturb the sinister force I go along and part with my barely earnt money, but if I have to go, I might as well understand my options. So if you happen to be in the same situation heres a quick guide to the record stores of Manchester, just to help you get the most out of the blessed ocassion.

• Vinyl Echange: Undisputed kings of the area, untold bargains to be found and the widest selection of CDs you could hope for. I gradually make my way through thier collection buying up everything by The Triffids or Mono, but pleanty more left for everbody else. The downstairs record section is a suprisingly well kept secret, and with most of its patrons being there for the dance music alterntive records by the likes of These Immortal Souls go overlooked and just waiting for your purchase. As if this wasn't enough they have a second store in Deansgate which is normally where the best finds are to be had since it seems to get visited less.

• Piccadilly Records: The thing about this store is that its bloody expensive, but, ever cloud has a silver lining so be sure to go in anyway to check out the 7" record rack as its the best in town and where the shops real bargins hide out. However, if you do find something on CD just walk out the door and go back to Vinyl Echange where no doubt it'll be but a fraction of the price

• Beatin' Rhythm: There are those that say this is the largest collection of 45's in The North of England, and you'll believe this the second you walk in the door. There have a fairly unique pricing system according to coloured stickers, and the storage is a bit wierd to, but perservere, for you will find ANY record you desire (Check out the Gordon Lightfoot and Frank Zappa sections, I mean, they actually have one). They're also a great place to go for record storage boxes. One drawback is that it can be pricey, but then unlike Piccadilly Records, its because your paying for original quality items as opposed to last weeks CD, and even then they do have a buy three get the cheapest free sale on most of the time. Another problem is finding the place, its tricky, try hunting down the entrence of Matt & Phreds.
  

• Clampdown Records: Are fucks

• King Bee Records: Are far away from the city centre so should not be include here, but they are, because the fact they have survived so long so far away from the main shopping area attests to the quality of thier stock. The shop is in distant Chorley cum Hardy, and the only way I know to get there is to take the 42 out to Sainsburys in Fallowfield then take a three mile walk down the old abandoned railway line. If your up for this you'll be rewarded the chance to buy Hindu Love God records and original die-cut Blue Monday 12"s. Think your up for the challange?

Anyway, these are my favourites and the places I remember the name to. Nex time, the best of the rest and some of the best palces to go vinyl shopping on-line

The second mission for Kreuzberg was the catch Motorhead. Last time I saw Motorhead in Germany it was one of their best gigs I'd ever experienced, so in the capital I expected bigger and better. The Columbiahalle mightn't of been as large as expected, but its well tired upper floor vastly increased the capacity while also making it much easier for people to see in a land where the average height seems much higher than here.


This being the tenth time I'd seen Motorhead, and the third this tour I can't help feel as if involved in an experiment, a repeated measures one with endless extraneous variables and no reguard for bias or blind techniques. As could have been statisically predicted Motorhead where everything one would expect, following them abroad is like following a team in the European Cup, only knowing that they'll win every time. As ever they take the the stage to deliver pure, unadulterated Rock 'N' Roll, Lemmy standing with the strength and confidence of a Greek God holding apart the clashing rocks of The Sympegades. Playing so much of their new material its amazing to think how fresh they sound for a band with a 34 year career, and the mandatory classics such as Overkill are filled with an overwhelming force that you understand why the building has no windows.



Seeing them in Germany could put you off going to a gig in England, over there far more people get involved, headbanging, shouting and moshing up a storm. With an unelightend mind my accompanying sibling moved upstairs, wanting a better view. How could he not understand that we hadn't traveled 683 miles to see Motorhead, we'd come to feel and experience pure Rock 'N' Roll tribalism under the guidance of the Stoke-on-Trent Shaman, the be in and amongst the people and the most involved. I guess finding out he wasn't that tall after all must have been a blow to his ego and so upstairs we went, where the view was to be fair, fantastic. And perhaps thanks to an atmosphere and crowd intensity I'll come to only expect in Germany, the place was filled like a Cathedral, intense and powerful stuff. New to the set was early song Snaggletooth, and as well as usual live favourite Sacrifice having an increased brodding intensity, perhaps due to Lemmy smoking and singing at the same time, Just Because You Have The PowerThat Dont Mean You Got The Right struck a special chord and left me thinking that this is one of Motorheads best and yet hardest find songs. Sword of Glory remains my favourite of the new album and is mandatory in the set.

Once again Motorhead have proven themselves the most reliable event on my calendar, proving their abilities in three countries and two time zones. Seeing Motorhead everyone wonders if it will be the last show and so each year I commit to more and more evenings of ear ringing bliss, so I can only wait and wonder to see where my indulgence will lead next year. One thing for sure is that Germany will play a big part in the celebrations.

Just back from Berlin, a hectic twenty four hours in a city like no other, this time concentrating my activities on Kreuzberg, Berlings disctric for immigrants, artists and the left. I was there for two things, to catch Motorhead for the tenth time and to visit Berlins Ramones Museum.


Of course, The Ramones Musuem is something you'd only go to if you like The Ramones, but by attending you will be exposed to what it means to LOVE The Ramones. The place is ran by a very devoted fan who saw The Ramones 101 times and aquired a treasure trove of memoribillia off eBay, you know, before it when shit. Over 300 rare promotional items (Flick knives and baseball bats), vintage tour t-shirts and various personal effects adourn the walls, so if The Ramones are what you're into then this is Heaven. Taking a look around only takes twenty minutes at top, making this a great place for a quick break from the massive and overwhelming nature of some of Berlins larger attractions, and its perhaps the most light hearted museum in a city with a very heavy history.

Naturally, having such a neice market and being a part time non-commerical venture openings are restricted to Saturday and Sundays, but openings can be arranged though the website. If arranging an opening for Christ sake, don't stand the guy up, and make sure you knock loud and clear on the door, wait around for 15 mins if it need be. Also, theres a door around the back to try, and knocking out a Marky Ramone beat may just help your chances.





While in the area also check out Porx, a Rock 'N' Roll bar of the beaten track, which while we where there played some pretty full on punk and a German language hardcore version of Dirty Old Town. As if that ain't enough theres tablefootball, the best in town they say, on a well maintained Tornado table. Finally, as if more prompting was needed, they stock Hamburgs finest export, Astra Beer, which is pretty hard to find in Berlin (Or indeed, anywhere outside of Hamburg). To find the bar take the U7 line to Gneisenaustrasse, come out the exit by the kebab shop and go right, up Zossenstrasse to Furbringerstrasse, can't miss it. To head to The Ramones Museum, use the same exit and take what I think is the second left onto Solmstrasse, bottom of the road, left hand side, buy a second hand clothes store.