Things To Do In England When You're Dead

The BBC 100 Things We Didn't Know Last Year is always a festive highlight, and this year I've learnt a fair few things myself

1. Just like Birmingham, Dublin buses don't give you change
2. Even ones favourite bands struggle to be constantly impressive live, Nick Cave for example, and others, such as Hayseed Dixie, should just be treated as the novelty they are. Motorhead however, will never disappoint, even if seen twice in one week.
3. Just when I thought Gin couldn't get any better, I discover Gordon's Distillers Cut, which for some reason cannot be obtained in England. It's garnished with strawberries
   
4. I learnt to make cocktails, White Russians being a favourite
5. They don't like people with long hair working in four star hotels, and opinion shared in North Korea, who say long hair lowers intelligence.
6. Jonathan Swift was a bit like the Irish George Orwell, and although best remember for Gullivers Travels, he also wrote a book suggesting that babies where eaten in order to relieve the effects of the potato famine. His epithet declares "Here he lies where furious indignation can no longer rend his heart".
7. On the outskirts of Berlin you still come across wild deer
8. Wild Deer are also found in Phoenix Park, which is very cold at 5 AM in November.
   
9. Czech food uses a lot of garlic, and includes food so garlically it tastes more garlicy than raw garlic itself
10. Lou Reed is a cock, I hope he gets hit by a train
11. Dublin libraries may have free CD hire, but they don't have a great selection
12. But an easier answer still is just downloading albums of bittorrent sites
13. The word "Quiz" was invented in Dublin as part of a bet to introduce a word to the English language in 24 hours. Despite this, the pub quiz is a rarity in Dublin
14. Lithuania has the worlds only statue of Frank Zappa, and additionally, a statue of a man who resembles Morrissey.
    
15. Cruise liners don't like employing people with long hair
16. The ukulele is cool, and so simple even I can play it
17. Look for Fray Bentos Pies on eBay, you'll find nothing
18. The infamous Canadian meal, Kraft Dinner comes in a box that says four portions, but most of those hockey hungry people eat the whole box themselves!
19. O2 are scum, I really dislike them. The highstreet stores tell you one thing, on-line tell you another, O2 Ireland will have nothing to do with O2 UK, and when I need to find out my phones PLUP Code nobody knows what I'm talking about or can help. Still, in the UK they give you a lot of free mins..
20. When you tell peolpe you see a wild seal, they tend not to believe you. But I saw one! In Howth harbour!
21. Japan doesn't like English teachers to have long hair
22. The 11 O'Clock drinking hours where introduced by the English during WW1 in order to make sure workes where in a fit state for working the next day
23. Vanilla milk is brilliant
24. Ireland aren't very big up on postcodes
25. Sweedish soup is very sweet as opposed to savoury, Blabars Soppa is my favourite
26. In Iceland, they don't have surnames
27. When in the Berlin Museum of Medical History, sometimes it's best not being able to translate the signs
28. The Reichstag and the statue of O'Connell in Dublin still have bullet marks
29. Avoid the City Manor hostel in Dublin like asbestos in your milk
30. If you like a nice pint of bitter, it might be best to avoid Ireland, they don't have any. They don't have real ale either. I found this lack of proper drink confussing seeing that they're a nation of alcoholics.
31. Irish gypsies never use guns, Snatch was a load of bollocks
32. If anyone ever tells you to go see The Devils Rejects, what they really mean to say is that they hate you and want you to suffer
33. If anybody tells you to go and see Oldboy, they're just trying to traumatize you
34. Scouce people are the best drink tippers in the world
35. Gwar employ the use of fake blood in thier live shows, and it not only stains your cloths and skin, it'll turn your contact lenses pink. You end up looking so bad shops on the curry mile don't even try to intice you in.
36. If seeking Mexican food in Dublin, go to Burritos 'N' Blues
37. The Irish don't half go on about U2, despite the obvious detail of them being shit and all the guitar work sounding hte same. Thin Lizzy recieve very little attention
38. The Dublin Rock 'N' Stroll tour is no stroll at all. In fact, by the time it's finished, it's likly half you group will have died
39. Now you can sign-on over the phone!
40. Liverpool has no jobs at all, if you are here, leave, go somewhere with not jsut better opeprtunity, but any opeprtunity.
41. I really can't inhale to save my life
42. Magic Mushrooms are no threat to society, they really shouldn't be a Class A product
43. Berlin has a great kebab culture, and you can get feta cheese on them!
44. When reading Will Self, just buy the short stories, it's all so hit and miss I'd rather have a book of short stories I like half of than a full book I can't bring myself to read. Doesn't he look like John Cale...
    
45. The Simpsons is much deeper than I ever assumed and has a great message of Bart as a Punk Rock icon. Read Planet Simpson.
    
46. My accent has no home, and now people think I'm Irish, which makes me sad
47. I did my first grave homage this year, to see Phil Lynott. I listened to Cowboy song, and I plan to find Benny Hill next.
48. Pork Scratchings are very rare outside England, and the same applies for crumpets
49. Bunratty Mead is lovely, but impossible to find in the UK. It makes a nice hot toddy
50. I saw End of the Century three times at the cinema, the first time almost had me in tears. It is without doubt the best rockumentry ever made.
51. In Ireland high street health food superstars Holland & Barratt are called Natures Way
52. Northern Ireland is messed up. Besides the political tension, they have four different forms of each bank note, one for each of the main banks who produce thier own money. They also use English money.
53. Never bother with Smirnoff vodka, it's shite. Much nicer alternitives include Absolut Vodka, which after the fore menioned soup is the best thing to ever come out of Sweeden. Better still is the Finnish Vodka, Finlandia, who sponsor schools in some countries. But the best of all is a long vodka, which takes just a drop of angostura for the magic to happen.
54. No visit to Dublin is complete without seeing the Temple Bar Farmers Market, they make a nice Millionare Square (And there are lots of free samples).
    
55. Ireland also lacks dry cider, it's Bulmers all the way, and it's sweet.
56. "Ahoyhoy!" was the telephone greeting suggested by its invention, Mr. Alexander Graham Bell.
57. I've averaged a post on this Blog once every 3.78 days
58. Everyone, everywhere knows who Benny Hill was
59. Very few children in Tallaght still own horses, despitet he famous series of photos in the 80's
60. Beans take longer to microwave than I thought
61. WD40 dissolves cocaine
62. Authentic schezwan spice may well burn a third eye into your forehead.
    
63. You know those things for frothing up fancy coffes? If you use them to play a bass, you'll break the strings
64. Pernod is green, but when you add ice, it turns yellow
65. It's advisable to always keep a copy of your phone numbers somewhere
66. A good cure for a cold or sore throat is hot milk with honey, butter and garlic in. A dash of gin would make it nicer to
67. Irish bank accounts charge you for every deposit and withdrawal
68. I may be the only person who genuinly likes Futurama season 4
69. Web sites in The Cook Islands end in .co.ck
70. The Critic was brilliant, I have no understand why everyone hated it
71. I'm getting balder
72. I learnt to play with a draddle
73. Don't try to ride the trains in Berlin without a ticket, they're helluva strickt and have under cover ticket inspects
    
74. Ireland has three patron Saints, Patrick, Bridget, and another one...
    
75. St. Brigit was from Kildare, the Irish Museum has a shrine for one of her shoes, and she is also a Pagan Godess.
76. Records sound better than any other record format
77. In Berlin, you can live of beer and kebabs and feel healthier than living in England
78. The English don't like the Scouce, the Irish love the Scouce, and the Irish still have hard feelings against the English.
79. Sometimes life has such terrible twists you have to laugh and commend the forces that be for thier ingiuity, such as when I lost my camera stealing pete
80. Pete doesn't burn that well
81. Sea water is very good for feet
82. Learning how to say cheers in a forigen language is a good way to break down the language barrier
83. The last words in Gone With The Wind are "After all, tomorrow is another day"
84. Jon would sleep with Morgan Freeman is he has been hypnotized so that everybody looked like Morgan Freeman
    

I guess that's all I learnt this year, apart from a bit of Japaneese and some curry making tips, but that isn't very interesting.

Japan is out of the window, it seems it is again Nova Groups policy to employ long hait hairs like me, damn me and all my kind!

On a brigther note, my eBay rating has passed the big 500, and for the first time I stumbled across my own blog when using a search engine, meaning I'm either using obscure words or really popular...

Taken from The Leonard Cohen Files:

"Cohen's upcoming projects include a book, television special, DVD, CD album and proposed touring to begin in the latter part of 2006"

I've now taken more than £4,500 on PayPal, which I think is a pretty nifty accomplishment. Now, as a result, I've been told by PayPal I have to reconfirm every detail and prove my access to accounts and phone lines because they're checking I'm not an International Money Laundaurer.

Thanks for the acknolwedgment!

Also, on Thursday, the 25th Annivesery of John Lennons death, I was recieving many bids from a Liverpool based buyer called Mark Chapman. What a bad time for someone of that name to raise thier head. I woner if he's ever been guest listed by The Bootleg Beatles.

No sooner am I back in the UK I'm looking to leave again, and I've actually had some alright offers it must be said. Next week I have an interview in Manchester with the Nova Group to teach English in Japan, which would be an excellent way to try a new field, experience new culture and see what must be a totally different world. However, it's a year contract, and a long term commitment just ain't me baby. Plus, I'd miss the annual Motorhead tour, which is my life blood.

Other oppertunities come from the bar world, seasonal ski lodge work in the South of France and Switzerland, or in an Irish bar in Dubai. The ski option has a pay around £75 a week, the attraction is that you get plenty of time to go skiing, however I can't ski. it might be a good oppertunity to learn however, but then I could just go elsewhere and learn to, say, juggle. Dubai would be a warm climate like I've never experienced, but again it's a year contact, and it's split between bar tending and waiting tables. Now I could take a year of a job I love doing, such as bar tending, but a year waiting tables in the dessert, that just ain't me.

Of course I haven't totally forgot the UK, I've applied to work in the Shetland Islands, home of those lovely little ponies, and very little else.

At the momentt, I'm holding out to be big in Japan. I've got the bread, not the butter, got the lisp but not the stutter...



Or is it the Shetland life for me??

I'm back in Liverpool not that I don't like the palce, but since my return the Wednesday before last I've done fuck all apart from sit around drinking Tea and watching The Simpsons and getting tweleve hours of sleep a night (The novelty of a bed in a room by myself is yet tto wear off, and the joy of having three damn warm blankets won't wear of until spring).

Liverpool isn't a great place to hunt for jobs, even the jobseekers website doesn't work. I've registered with various agencies in town and dropped of CVs at any pub willing to even humour me with an accepted CV.

I've even developed a bit of a pot belly from sheer inertia, so I'm starting to sytep up the offensive now and attempt tp amount something before the year that was 2005 is over...

I have learnt one important lesson, i really should have signed on the vrey day I got back. I always tell other people to do this, butt hen I tell people many things I don't do myself. But now I know signing on is as easy as just making a phone call and then the claim is back dated to said contact. I'd of gotten five days extra dole, and only be waiting one more week to sign on as opposed to two. I guess I can use the extra time to find a job site that works...